I figured it was time to write part 2 of this reflection. I have had so many thoughts and memories of lifegroup, of community, some seem more distant and some seem so close. Before I tell you about my most recent journey with my beautiful lifegroup, I think I should talk about my views about community. Ever since I was exposed to the idea of "community", it felt just like the way life should be. sharing life. sharing the good, the bad, the ugly. forgiving. loving. struggling. accountability. sharing resources. serving together. diverse people. differences. and lots of laughter. I have enjoyed many of these moments with my college roommates in the inner city of Tampa. I was young back then, though. I was immature. I was broken and didn't know it. and things didn't always work out and it made me think that maybe I wasn't supposed to be in community. maybe it wasn't made for everyone. so I withdrew.
it's funny how things work out, huh? as I started to develop new friendships and meet those around me, and we formed in a bible study together, I didn't naturally associate this with 'community', as I knew it to mean. I also began a job where I was charged with engaging family and other supportive adults to connect with kids in the foster care system. the importance of group, of connections. In Psalm 68, it says that "God sets the lonely in families..." I believe that with all my heart. And not only do I believe that for the foster children I work with, but I believe that for myself. I had always thought that community were people that are pretty similar as you, in thought and interests, etc. I suppose this is true in a sense. However, I was always caught off guard when I turned around one day and realized that the people were around me, who were incredibly different from me, were my family, my true community. In fact, realizing that I had the people around me who I know were in it for the long haul. In Family Finding work we call this the "lifetime network". Unconditional supports. The people available at 2am. The people exposed to the worst part of yourself and yet respond with overwhelming grace and mercy. How could I have overlooked these people in some moments of my life, I am not sure, but I have them now. In fact, these are the people who have freed me to go back and reconcile with prevoius people in my life and that has been unbelievably healing. I have realized that in many ways, being in a group, leading a group, has been God's saving grace for me.
My commitment to these people, my weekly meeting with them, and my witnessing of our changes as individuals as a group has had an everlasting effect on my life. These things have kept me out of trouble, got me out of trouble, brought me into honest reflection into who I am as a woman, what my strengths and obvious weaknesses are, pushed me closer to Jesus, and allowed me to learn to love with a certain vulnerability that only can come with a safe group of people. Watching our lifegroup struggle back in forth from 3 to 5 people up to a steady group of 9-10 people was proof of this beautiful thing I call community. As one of my best friends put it, my lifegroup is a true reflection of the power of groups, the power of community, and the power of God's work in relationships and family. What can I say? I'm a believer. It's possible. It's possible that broken people can recover, can be a part of other's healing processes, and that people living life with others have the possibility of leading far more enriching lives than those without others. We weren't meant to be alone, that is not a new concept, I just didn't realize how much of an impact this would have on my life, with the most unexpected people.
Wednesday, August 29, 2012
Tuesday, August 7, 2012
lifegroup reflections - part 1: memories
It has been about a month since I officially started my new job in North Carolina. I have a lot to reflect on and I want to start with my beautiful Lifegroup. What is a Lifegroup, anyways, you may ask? It is all about semantics, I suppose, and this is not the important part. Lifegroup could also be called community, home church, cell group, or, recently, I have even heard gel group. This is the important thing - it is all about living life together. The people in my lifegroup, they are my friends, and more than that - as we call it in family finding - they are on my family team, my lifetime network of support and connection. So, I would like to tell you the story of my lifegroup and how I am forever changed by living life with them. My reflection has to come in two parts, because you know by now, I am quite long-winded, as some of you would call it, I would just say that I am detail-oriented.
Winter 2009. I was just starting to get more involved at my church by leading a small group bible study and this is when lifegroup kicked off. Our first outing? Ice skating in Brandon. Just a few of us at this time - 2 guys and 3 girls. We met at my apartment and endured my former roommates evil cat. We studied the book of Luke and followed the story of Jesus. It was simple. There were no fireworks or crazy spirit-filled fall outs, but it was us. We went canoeing one time and finally Shawn asked Annie out on a date (we suspected they would date eventually). We BBQ'd with a tennis racket at Carol's new place, and learned together how to use charcoal. We made pizzas in my super small kitchen. Annie put extra pineapples on hers. We celebrated Carol getting baptized and laughed at her Angel Network cable channels. We celebrated Shawn coming home from internship with a bat-shaped chocolate cake and racoon pinata. We made more pizzas. We had several people that came in and out of lifegroup but always had a core group. We watched Veggie Tales to put a spin on bible stories. We did arts and crafts. We prayed for each other. We were sad when Mark left for Israel and wondered what guys would come along to be with Shawn. We walked with the Israelites through their delivery in Exodus and their struggles in the desert.
Spring 2010. Phil and I became co-leaders, for about 3 seconds. We celebrated him moving to Indonesia to help do some cool stuff there, always with a homemade cake, of course. Everyone helped me move into my new place. We met lots of new people during this time - Bryan, Kylie, Ricky, Becky, Rob, Katie, and Nolan. We celebrated each other's birthdays, hung out on the weekends, had cookouts, took pictures underwater and even became facebook friends. We went to Carol's play together and enjoyed a Rays game - Katie drove a minivan full of us! Some of girls took a trip to NYC and wore neon shirts so we could get on the Today Show. Shawn, Nolan, Bryan and Ricky all became roommates and rented a house together, so we re-located our weekly meeting there. We met some more people - Amber, Joe, Meredith, another Rob, and Mac. We took lots of pictures. Correction: I took a lot of pictures. We had theological debates and disagreed. We prayed and cried.
Sometime in 2011. Although we met weekly for bible study, the men starting meeting an additional day on their own. Katie and Justin start dating. We mourned the loss of Bryan's father alongside him. I experienced my first real break-up and I am pretty sure I couldn't have made it without losing it completely, without my lifegroup. We went jumping at AirHeads and lasted about 5 minutes - except Shawn of course. Katie and I missed our callings as cheerleaders, obviously. We had more cookouts - way more advanced and with real BBQ utensils and became experts on charcoal. We met Marie. After one of our cookouts, we decided to go see a movie together, and afterward we drove all the way to Cocoa Beach, slept on the beach - all the watch the sunrise. Shawn put together a crazy awesome scavenger hunt to propose to Annie and we were all there to witness that. We said goodbye to Shawn and Annie as they moved to Raleigh to start new jobs. We met Jessica. I introduced the Wobble to everyone at Carol's baby shower. Carol did the wobble the best, even 8 months pregnant. We started women's group, to copy the men, of course. And then this beautiful thing happened - Carol gave birth to Samantha and we all became aunts and uncles and you couldn't have told us we weren't related. We stayed in the hospital with the new mom and baby and made sure the nurses were nice. We threw Becky a bachelorette party - even though she forgot about it the day of. We met Hemi and Justin. Kylie moved into my apartment complex and Carol, then Becky lived with her. It was so nice to have them close by. Not like I ever needed to borrow an egg or a cup of sugar. We facebook stalked and questioned new potential boyfriends or girlfriends and made sure one another stayed out of trouble. We deterred stalkers from bothering one another. Katie, Kylie, and I all graduated in December!
2012 so far...Kylie moved across the bridge, which was relatively traumatic and we moved Lifegroup back to my place. We celebrated Rob and Becky's wedding - after they got married while being overseas.James and Carol got married and so Carol moved to TN. Justin and Katie got engaged. Ricky and Kylie got engaged - finally!! - we were invited to celebrate with them on this day. We, of course, knew that this was going to happen, but boy was Kylie getting tired of waiting!! I was in Shawn and Annie's wedding in March, and that was such an honor to be able to witness their life together and celebrate their new journey in marriage. We all danced together at the wedding - wobble, cupid shuffle, electric slide, etc. Mac took some rocking pictures of their wedding. Carol, James, and Samantha came down to Florida for this and she had grown up so much by then. Kylie and Ricky decided to get married June 4, so there was lots of wedding planning, bridal shower party, and a bachelorette and bachelor party weekends we participated in. We kind of all came as a group - after all, it's not just a bible study, we are friends. The girls made "Team Eric" shirts for me - that is an entirely other story for another blog post. We got schooled on how to say "Louisville" from a really KY native. We met Nikeya. Mac miraculously came out free and clear from a bad car accident. We helped Meredith, Kylie, and Bryan move - all in the same weekend, with the same U-Haul. My apartment became wedding central - full of centerpieces and decorations that needed gluing and cutting and candy that needed to be separated by color. Kylie and Ricky got married, Bryan, Nolan, and I stood next to them on the stage but the rest of us were front and center witnessing this great moment. We led the room in the dances again - they clearly were not ready for the wobble. We kept the wedding planner away from Kylie - because that would have had devastating results. We snuck into Kylie and Ricky's apartment while they were on their honeymoon and painted their wall, and they loved it! I knew I was about to take a job out of state, so I scheduled some group pictures of all of us, after all - I have always taken loads of pictures, even professional, of special groups of people in my life. And these were perhaps the most special group of people in my life.
My Lifegroup. My peeps. We have been through pretty much everything together at one time or another. Break-ups. Divorce. Dating. Falling in love. Depression. Bad relationships. Stalkers. Fights. Disagreements. Betrayal and forgiveness, reconciliation. Partying v. sobriety. Family drama. Moving. Losing jobs. Getting jobs. Cooking for each other. Tears. Prayers. Laughter. Lots of laughter. Birth. Walking with Jesus. Weddings. Engagements. Moving away. New friends. Death of a parent. Sharing. Loving. Dancing. Struggling with tough stuff. Supporting. Being honest. Went on adventures. Vented to each other. Stayed up late talking about God and the world around us. Birthday cakes. Meeting each other's family. Facebook stalked and kept each other accountable. Celebrated new things in each other's lives. We are diverse and different. We think different. We like different music and movies, some of us like to be outside, the others prefer indoor activities. We have different political stances and opinions. But, these are the best things about us. And this is what I love the most about us. We don't fit in any box. We don't even go to the same church. We are from all over and have yet, for this time, found each other, and what I believe, will always be connected to one another, and wouldn't have it any other way.
To be continued....
Tuesday, June 5, 2012
a wedding and a funeral
So in the past 48 hours, I have attended both a wedding and
a funeral. I suppose this does not happen for most people very often and I have
observed several things I would like to share. Although the phrase “a wedding
and a funeral” are used together quite often, I didn’t realize how many
similarities there really are between the two…
Weddings and funerals, for the most part, take place in
churches. They both are events where people come together – people who may not
know each other, people who may have not seen others in quite some time, and a
combination of family and friends. Weddings and funerals are supposed to both
be celebrations of life – one being 2 lives joined as one, and the latter being
a celebration of a life well lived. At both events, you will see flowers, hear
songs, and say prayers or blessings. At both weddings and funerals, you can see
people crying. At both events, and obviously this is only intensified based on
your relationship with the person the event is about, but there is something
about death that shakes you to the core no matter what your relationship was
with the loved one who passed away – makes you think about what matters, what
doesn’t – what you would want said about you at your own funeral. Isn’t the
same true at weddings? You think about what you would want your wedding to be
like, what things you want to represent with your significant other in front of
friends and family. And finally – in most cases, at both events, there is a
reception where people can talk and eat together after a formal ceremony or
service.
Why is that? Why do we celebrate these things so similarly,
when obviously our feelings about them are so different? Sure – there are
differences – such as the color white is what the bride wears to her wedding,
while everyone at a funeral is supposed to wear black. Weddings are planned.
Funerals are unplanned. The parents of the bride and groom are congratulated;
the parents of the deceased are consoled and mourned with. The proclamation of
joy and happiness is so evident in a wedding, while at a funeral – people are
grasping at hope and a promise of joy for a loved one gone on “to a better
place”.
Perhaps we don’t know what else to do when someone dies. We
just know we need people around us to mourn with us. Perhaps we weren’t created
to mourn alone. After all – back in the day, you would even hire mourners on
behalf of your passed loved one. We know that we need Jesus. We need Him so
much more than we realize, even if we don’t say Him by name – He is the only
reason to hope – and where do people search for hope? In a church. We give
ourselves an opportunity to love on people we have not seen in a while, perhaps
that we are even estranged from. We gain perspective about what is important in
life and somehow, this is more simply seen in the light of big events in our
lives – weddings and funerals. And finally, perhaps the reception is the time,
where at both events, people are just themselves – at a funeral, they can smile
and maybe even laugh a bit and that’s ok – at a wedding, they can dance the
twist and be silly with those they love. Whether we realize it or not, we soak
up every moment at both weddings and funerals. Perhaps we are afraid we will
forget the person who has passed away or we are afraid to forget all the good
times we are currently having.
While, you may think I am perhaps an unlucky person to have
to go to a funeral the day after I went to a wedding, I disagree with you. And
this is why…I got to celebrate two of my most unlikely friendships that I am
forever changed by. Some others may think it is a bit morbid to talk about
someone’s wedding at the same time as someone who has passed on – but just
remember – both are celebrations of life and so that is what I hope to do with
my two friends.
My friend Heather, who died on 5/24/12, was an unlikely
friend. We had little in common and we would have never been paired naturally
together. However, little did I realize how connected our hearts really were.
We both participated in the Tampa Urban Project in the summer of 2003 but the
time when I really remembered connecting with you is the summer of 2005 when we
went to Mexico City and all over Guatemala together. Esta bien! J
Ah – just reading over what you wrote to me at the end of our trip makes me
miss you so much Heather. How I struggled so much during that trip, perhaps
more than you ever knew, and how you were there for me, even when you didn’t
understand. I remember crying with you over the poverty and injustice we
encountered in Guatemala and Mexico and wrestling with you over what we should
do with all that when we went home. I remember the way you embraced any culture
and people group we encountered and loved with abandon. You encouraged me as we
struggled through speaking Spanish to the people. I remember the way you served
– I am pretty sure you worked harder than anyone else on that trip. I wish I
would have had another opportunity to just reminisce with you about our weeks
abroad – only you know how it felt to leave our friends in Guatemala –
literally feeling my heart break, and yet oh so joyful that we got the
experience the beauty of the country of Guatemala and come back with the most
generous friends on the face of this earth. I am pretty sure I have you quoted
in my bible still of saying “beauty and poverty co-exist”. After the trip, we
became roommates, along with multiple other people of course. I particularly
remember that I’m pretty sure Heather could not get off her bed without doing a
back flip or some other gymnastic trick. While I am fully aware that this was
one of the most broken years of my life to date, I remember you Heather – I
remember your hugs and what your voice sounds like – always so gracious and
loving – never holding back. I remember getting the chance to be there for you
as well during what you call “your moments” – and I loved seeing the Lord work
in your life. Little did I realize, later, even when we were not living in the
same house or even around the same people anymore, how we were still connected
with our struggles. Struggles of not fitting into anyone’s boxes – and we
struggled because we wanted to fit. And there were a lot of people around us
that seemed to fit, remember? So, the Lord took us away for a while, for Him to
teach us in a different way. You went to California and experienced God in new
ways out in the wilderness, just as you were created to do. I am really happy
you got to do that. Heather – you will not be forgotten and I hope to see you
again one day soon my friend.
My friend Kylie, who got married yesterday, was an unlikely
friend. I shared at her reception yesterday that I was not a fan of Kylie at
first. She kept to herself and seemed very standoffish. On top of that – she
liked country J. She started coming to the Lifegroup I lead about 2
years ago with her boyfriend of 1 year, at the time. They were just starting to
follow God at this time. Her boyfriend Ricky talked a lot, asked a lot of
questions and seemed to be really engaged in learning about the bible. I was
never sure where Kylie was at with all of this but she was not very
approachable either. She seemed really busy with school, work, Ricky, and a big
family she is a part of. I wish I could tell you when I started to feel
differently about Kylie but I am not sure I know exactly. About a year and a
half ago, Kylie moved into the apartment on the 3rd floor of my
building. She stayed busy but talked a bit more in Lifegroup. I saw that she
was much more independent of Ricky, in a good way, than I ever gave her credit
for. Kylie is definitely someone who knows who she is and makes time for the
people in her life. I remember how she supported me during my first real
break-up. Eventually, we became closer and closer – it was so nice having a
friend in the same apartment complex. She had Lifegroup in her apartment and I
began to see how hospitable and serving she really is. I can really say that
about 9 months ago, when things around and in my life became really chaotic,
Kylie was one of the main people who made it out with me in the end – through a
series of crises with one of our other friends, through one bad decision after
another, a few good cries, and through a whole lot of laughter and joy – I was
able to stand next to her yesterday and proclaim that I will support her union
to Ricky, whom I love dearly as well. When she moved out of my apartment
complex a few months ago, I realized that I would miss her being around,
something I hadn’t anticipated before. Kylie is one of those people that I am
confident would not only find me if I went missing, and would deal with
whomever hurt me, but also the one that would get on a plane on a random day,
at a random time – not just if I needed her, but even if I refused to say I
needed her but she knew that I did, just to simply make sure I was ok. And
Kylie – even though we disagree about the best kind of music and about the
battle between the beignet vs. the pizookie, I am so very thankful for you, my
dear friend, and the friendship that we have. Thank you for all the joy you
bring to my life and those around you. I love you mucho! Let me know when you
and Ricky would like to have Max and I over for dinner. J
“there is a time for everything, and a season for every
activity under heaven: a time to be born and a time to die, a time to plant and
a time to uproot, a time to kill and a time to heal, a time to tear down and a
time to build, a time to weep and a time to laugh, a time to mourn and a time
to dance, a time to scatter stones and a time to gather them, a time to embrace
and a time to refrain..” Ecclesiastes 3:1-5.
Green House Girls - Heather is in the middle with her face being attacked by Estelle :)
Kylie and I - 6/4/12
Monday, May 14, 2012
no nonsense ninny
I will be a bridesmaid in my 5th wedding on June
4th in my lovely friend Kylie’s wedding. I have also had the honor
of assisting with several other weddings of my close friends. Upon reflecting
what it has been like to be a bridesmaid, a two-time maid of honor, and just a
helper, I have some advice. Some advice for the brides themselves, and some for
the young women who have the honor of standing alongside their friend or family
member on their wedding day, as part of the bridal party. In fact, perhaps I will even throw in
some advice for those people who are just participating at some level in
wedding planning. For the most part, my advice will be geared towards women as
it is more common to be a female activity to 1. Plan a wedding and 2. Create
drama. In addition, I will also talk about stress that family members cause and
can avoid causing when another person in their family is in the process of
getting married. I know what you’re thinking…this woman is 29, single, what
could she know about weddings? You’d be surprised. I am by no means an expert,
but I do have some things to say…So here it goes. Try not to be offended and I
will try not to be too harsh, as some of these things are sensitive matters. I
hope you will find this “surprisingly upbeat”! J
For the bride-to-be:
1. Remember
that this is yours and your fiancé’s wedding. Not anyone else. It is all about
how the Lord has brought you two together, and not about other people. Do not
be afraid to say and be clear about what you want, and what you don’t want.
2. First
and foremost, remember #1.
3. You
cannot please everyone. This is God’s honest truth, promise. No matter how hard
you try or how amazing you are, this is not possible.
4. This
is a good time to learn to say no. “Can I bring a date and 3 kids to the
wedding?” No. “Can I bring random people along when we go and pick out your
wedding gown?” No. “Can you change the date of your wedding? I have something I
have to go to that day.” No. etc. etc. You don’t have to be a bridezilla to say
no, just be genuine and honest, and always wearing a smile. Remember – people
are silly and unreasonable without realizing it.
5. You
and your fiancé are footing the bill so pay for things you want, not things
that are expected for you to have.
6. Be
simple. It’s possible. And Jesus loves that.
7. Just
because you love your family and friends, doesn’t mean that you have to do
everything they share with you to do J. Thank them for their
thoughts and move on. This includes those people in the wedding party.
8. Enjoy
this time of being engaged and planning. The moment things start to get out of
control, take a step back and do something different.
9. Don’t
go in debt. It’s not worth it and it’s better to start a marriage without all
that.
10. If all else fails,
refer to #1.
my best friend Laura's wedding, December 2003
For the bridal party individuals:
1. This
wedding is not yours. This is not your marriage you are celebrating and
preparing for. This is not about you. You are second. Check yourself and what
you have to say based on this truth. This is how you can be a good friend, this
is how you can love your friends that are planning their wedding.
2. Always
remember #1. Write it on your mirror, put it on post-its. Whatever, it takes.
3. Be
a servant. Help where you can, even if it’s not glamorous or even if people
don’t see you or give you credit. (*refer to #1)
4. Wear
whatever dress your bride friend picks out, with a smile on your face. In other
words, be flexible. Refer to #1 should you be confused about how to make this
happen.
5. Reflect
on why you love your friend, the bride, and why it is such an honor to be a
part of her wedding and her life. When things get stressful, or when there is
some bridezilla’isms, have some grace and remember these things. (*refer to #1 with additional
questions)
6. Enjoy
this time in your friend’s life, but also in you and the bride’s friendship.
Don’t let little or petty things come in between you two. (*remember #1)
7. Reflect
on the role you have as a bridesmaid/maid of honor – to uphold the commitment
that your friend is making to her fiancé. That’s a big responsibility. Remember
this when you are feeling not the center of attention or feeling left out.
Refer to #1 with any additional questions.
8. Be
tasteful when planning the bachelorette party. Know the bride and listen to her
when she talks about her comfort level with some of these things. This is not
the time to impress upon someone the way you would want things for yourself or
how scandalous you can be. J (*remember #1)
9. Because
of #1, try not to make wedding dress shopping with your bride friend a time
when you can peruse for your own dress (even if you are engaged or pending
engagement yourself) – this is normally frowned upon.
10. Stay focused on
#1, it will ensure that you will 1. Keep being friends with your bride friend
after the wedding and 2. Learn how to focus on someone else in their time of
need. And I will be the first one to say we can also use a lesson in humility,
right?
my dear friend Briana's wedding, August 2004
For family members and other
friends:
1.
This wedding is also not yours. Even if you are financially
invested in the event, this does not mean you should dictate details of how
things should be done. This causes unnecessary stress on the bride and groom.
2.
Remind yourself of #1 regularly.
3.
Be flexible. Dates change. Schedules are difficult to
coordinate and so this is bound to happen. Be a part of what you can, and don’t
be bitter about what you can’t do.
4.
Give a little extra grace when things are stressful and
chaotic and try your best to be understanding even when you do not fully
understand.
5.
Volunteer to help where you can. Share your thoughts when
asked. This can help you feel a part of the wedding festivities and also help
you to remember #1.
6.
Try to stay away from gossip and talk about the bride and/or
groom and what is going right or wrong in the wedding planning. This stuff does
get back to the right ears and can be extremely hurtful. Remember #1.
7.
Be creative and find different ways of being supportive or
loving to your friend/family member the bride and/or groom. (i.e. – mow a lawn,
help someone move in, help someone move out, write a letter, bring them dinner
when they have to sit up and work on invitations, offer to pick someone up from
the airport, offer to let someone stay with you rather than getting a hotel,
etc)
8.
Enjoy this time celebrating with your friends/family! Pray for
the soon-to-be bride and groom as they take on the new adventure of marriage.
9.
Dance on the dance floor when the appropriate time comes. It
doesn’t matter if the only thing you can do is 2-step. Have fun and enjoy the
celebration! (**this may include doing the electric slide, cupid shuffle, and
cha-cha slide all in a row)
10.
If all else fails, refer to #1
Annie's incredible wedding, March 2012
That's all I got for now...! Ever had some crazy wedding stuff happen with your friends and family? not with the bride, but with the people around her? comment away, I want to hear about it!
Tuesday, May 8, 2012
hope for new things
I'm in a weird place in my life. almost 30, can you believe it? can I believe it? It's true what they say, ya know? I can recall a day when I thought 30 was worlds away, full of kids and a husband and most likely a house. oh - how things have changed.
what do I love about where I am in life? possibilities seem endless. sometimes overwhelming, but endless nonetheless. I'm excited about these possibilities. I love how I finally know what I am supposed to do or what I truly want to do with my life, and that is truly a gift, isn't it? it is like God himself unveiled this grand secret - who is Trina? what do you want Trina to do with her life? speak. talk. yell. make truth known. expose darkness. get louder. talk to who will listen. don't waste time on those who will not. be the voice for the voiceless. don't stop. persevere. love. love with abandon. don't be so afraid of being alone. stand strong. keep standing. speak. let Jesus and His kingdom be my strength and everything I hope for.
I do hope for new things. new things that even scare me. why? because I was created for big things. I was created to speak louder than I am now. so here goes nothing. with fingers crossed, eyes closed and on my knees.
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