I will be a bridesmaid in my 5th wedding on June
4th in my lovely friend Kylie’s wedding. I have also had the honor
of assisting with several other weddings of my close friends. Upon reflecting
what it has been like to be a bridesmaid, a two-time maid of honor, and just a
helper, I have some advice. Some advice for the brides themselves, and some for
the young women who have the honor of standing alongside their friend or family
member on their wedding day, as part of the bridal party. In fact, perhaps I will even throw in
some advice for those people who are just participating at some level in
wedding planning. For the most part, my advice will be geared towards women as
it is more common to be a female activity to 1. Plan a wedding and 2. Create
drama. In addition, I will also talk about stress that family members cause and
can avoid causing when another person in their family is in the process of
getting married. I know what you’re thinking…this woman is 29, single, what
could she know about weddings? You’d be surprised. I am by no means an expert,
but I do have some things to say…So here it goes. Try not to be offended and I
will try not to be too harsh, as some of these things are sensitive matters. I
hope you will find this “surprisingly upbeat”! J
For the bride-to-be:
1. Remember
that this is yours and your fiancé’s wedding. Not anyone else. It is all about
how the Lord has brought you two together, and not about other people. Do not
be afraid to say and be clear about what you want, and what you don’t want.
2. First
and foremost, remember #1.
3. You
cannot please everyone. This is God’s honest truth, promise. No matter how hard
you try or how amazing you are, this is not possible.
4. This
is a good time to learn to say no. “Can I bring a date and 3 kids to the
wedding?” No. “Can I bring random people along when we go and pick out your
wedding gown?” No. “Can you change the date of your wedding? I have something I
have to go to that day.” No. etc. etc. You don’t have to be a bridezilla to say
no, just be genuine and honest, and always wearing a smile. Remember – people
are silly and unreasonable without realizing it.
5. You
and your fiancé are footing the bill so pay for things you want, not things
that are expected for you to have.
6. Be
simple. It’s possible. And Jesus loves that.
7. Just
because you love your family and friends, doesn’t mean that you have to do
everything they share with you to do J. Thank them for their
thoughts and move on. This includes those people in the wedding party.
8. Enjoy
this time of being engaged and planning. The moment things start to get out of
control, take a step back and do something different.
9. Don’t
go in debt. It’s not worth it and it’s better to start a marriage without all
that.
10. If all else fails,
refer to #1.
my best friend Laura's wedding, December 2003
For the bridal party individuals:
1. This
wedding is not yours. This is not your marriage you are celebrating and
preparing for. This is not about you. You are second. Check yourself and what
you have to say based on this truth. This is how you can be a good friend, this
is how you can love your friends that are planning their wedding.
2. Always
remember #1. Write it on your mirror, put it on post-its. Whatever, it takes.
3. Be
a servant. Help where you can, even if it’s not glamorous or even if people
don’t see you or give you credit. (*refer to #1)
4. Wear
whatever dress your bride friend picks out, with a smile on your face. In other
words, be flexible. Refer to #1 should you be confused about how to make this
happen.
5. Reflect
on why you love your friend, the bride, and why it is such an honor to be a
part of her wedding and her life. When things get stressful, or when there is
some bridezilla’isms, have some grace and remember these things. (*refer to #1 with additional
questions)
6. Enjoy
this time in your friend’s life, but also in you and the bride’s friendship.
Don’t let little or petty things come in between you two. (*remember #1)
7. Reflect
on the role you have as a bridesmaid/maid of honor – to uphold the commitment
that your friend is making to her fiancé. That’s a big responsibility. Remember
this when you are feeling not the center of attention or feeling left out.
Refer to #1 with any additional questions.
8. Be
tasteful when planning the bachelorette party. Know the bride and listen to her
when she talks about her comfort level with some of these things. This is not
the time to impress upon someone the way you would want things for yourself or
how scandalous you can be. J (*remember #1)
9. Because
of #1, try not to make wedding dress shopping with your bride friend a time
when you can peruse for your own dress (even if you are engaged or pending
engagement yourself) – this is normally frowned upon.
10. Stay focused on
#1, it will ensure that you will 1. Keep being friends with your bride friend
after the wedding and 2. Learn how to focus on someone else in their time of
need. And I will be the first one to say we can also use a lesson in humility,
right?
my dear friend Briana's wedding, August 2004
For family members and other
friends:
1.
This wedding is also not yours. Even if you are financially
invested in the event, this does not mean you should dictate details of how
things should be done. This causes unnecessary stress on the bride and groom.
2.
Remind yourself of #1 regularly.
3.
Be flexible. Dates change. Schedules are difficult to
coordinate and so this is bound to happen. Be a part of what you can, and don’t
be bitter about what you can’t do.
4.
Give a little extra grace when things are stressful and
chaotic and try your best to be understanding even when you do not fully
understand.
5.
Volunteer to help where you can. Share your thoughts when
asked. This can help you feel a part of the wedding festivities and also help
you to remember #1.
6.
Try to stay away from gossip and talk about the bride and/or
groom and what is going right or wrong in the wedding planning. This stuff does
get back to the right ears and can be extremely hurtful. Remember #1.
7.
Be creative and find different ways of being supportive or
loving to your friend/family member the bride and/or groom. (i.e. – mow a lawn,
help someone move in, help someone move out, write a letter, bring them dinner
when they have to sit up and work on invitations, offer to pick someone up from
the airport, offer to let someone stay with you rather than getting a hotel,
etc)
8.
Enjoy this time celebrating with your friends/family! Pray for
the soon-to-be bride and groom as they take on the new adventure of marriage.
9.
Dance on the dance floor when the appropriate time comes. It
doesn’t matter if the only thing you can do is 2-step. Have fun and enjoy the
celebration! (**this may include doing the electric slide, cupid shuffle, and
cha-cha slide all in a row)
10.
If all else fails, refer to #1
Annie's incredible wedding, March 2012
That's all I got for now...! Ever had some crazy wedding stuff happen with your friends and family? not with the bride, but with the people around her? comment away, I want to hear about it!
Wow, these pictures seem like they were an eternity ago! Thanks for sharing :)
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