Appleseed

4/12/15

So I've joined the club. The secret club. The miscarriage club. The club no one seeks out to join. The club that no one is excited or proud of their membership to. The club that members join out of a similar traumatic experience, out of their own grief and loss. Two weeks of celebrating the new life that was growing inside of me, two weeks of telling our toddler about the baby, the brother or sister that was growing in mommy's tummy. Two days now of mourning my loss of that new life and two days of telling our curious toddler about the baby that went to heaven as he kisses my belly and says 'hi baby'.

This is why they say not to tell people you're pregnant. In case this happens. They say “don't tell”, in case it doesn't work out. What they don't talk about is how to deal with this gigantic loss if it happens. Are you supposed to also keep the miscarriage a secret? This huge thing- a secret. Alone. Maybe "they" haven't had a miscarriage before.

Spontaneous miscarriage they say. It happens to 1 in 4 women they say. Most women don’t even know they are pregnant when it happens, they say. Nothing you can do about it but I knew about it. C'est la vie, right? It is amazing to me how many people have experienced this silent suffering when going thru a miscarriage. I have told countless people about this recent tragedy in my life and I have been told numerous times "oh that happened to me", "oh I had a miscarriage before", "I have had two miscarriages". Why do we continue to keep it a secret? Are we scared that someone may say the wrong thing? We probably do say the wrong thing, most times. I cannot think of anyone who caused additional damage to me when I told them about my miscarriage. In my experience, people seemed to understand that this was a big loss, even if my little one was only the size of an appleseed. They empathize. They cry with you. They say comforting words that sometimes do not comfort. But they try. They offer to do something to help. They bring you dinner.

Countless friends and loved ones have experienced miscarriage before, and yet, in the moment when I knew that my baby was gone, I felt instantly isolated. Alone. I felt like my body betrayed me when my heart and mind had just started to believe that there was life inside me. And now it was gone. Just like that. Gone. And I knew something was wrong, even when the doctor said a little bit of this or that was normal. I knew my little Appleseed was gone.

What did I need? Some alone time. Some time of no one asking me how I was. Someone to hang with and love on my beautiful toddler. Someone to help keep up with cleaning around the house. That's it- in fact- very similar things to what the needs are after you have a new baby come home. Ironic, huh? I just needed time and space to grieve.

So here it is- my "secret", my precious little Appleseed that I pray I will see in Heaven one day. To all my sisters who have had a similar experience or struggled with fertility, don't be afraid to tell your story- it can help someone else.

What now? I am afraid of people asking me when I will have another kid - cause I did get pregnant, I want another child, it just didn’t happen this time. I've never thought about making this comment/asking the question - not considering if there has been a miscarriage already. And now I'm a little afraid of telling people right away when/if I get pregnant again. I'm a little afraid of having another miscarriage. I am choosing to trust God will give me the desires of my heart. But if not, He is still good. And thankfully I have had many amazing women who have taught me and lived out this truth, regardless of their experience with pregnancy, birth and loss

Update 5/13/15

A positive pregnancy test. 2-3 weeks it says. My heart is racing and I am nervous. I take a second one just in case - still positive. I smile because I want to be happy and excited but I am struggling not to be anxious and scared. I got to the doctor early at 6 weeks and am nervous until I hear the heartbeat – it’s still early but it’s there. And the heartbeat is strong again at 10 weeks. Every time I go to the doctor, I am a little nervous and wonder if something is wrong. I wish for sickness or other common signs of pregnancy, anything to make it feel more real.

Today 8/18/15

I am thankful because I realize this is not everyone’s story and experience. My heart mourns for the women that experience infertility and repeated miscarriage, I cannot imagine how that must feel. I do know that Jesus heals those wounds and he is the only one who can take these feelings of emptiness away. 

Next week we find out if we are having a boy or girl in January. I have thoughts of cute pink rompers and baby dolls – but I have more thoughts and prayers over a healthy baby and a healthy remaining pregnancy.

lifegroup reflections: part 2, saving grace

I figured it was time to write part 2 of this reflection. I have had so many thoughts and memories of lifegroup, of community, some seem more distant and some seem so close. Before I tell you about my most recent journey with my beautiful lifegroup, I think I should talk about my views about community. Ever since I was exposed to the idea of "community", it felt just like the way life should be. sharing life. sharing the good, the bad, the ugly. forgiving. loving. struggling. accountability. sharing resources. serving together. diverse people. differences. and lots of laughter. I have enjoyed many of these moments with my college roommates in the inner city of Tampa. I was young back then, though. I was immature. I was broken and didn't know it. and things didn't always work out and it made me think that maybe I wasn't supposed to be in community. maybe it wasn't made for everyone. so I withdrew.

it's funny how things work out, huh? as I started to develop new friendships and meet those around me, and we formed in a bible study together, I didn't naturally associate this with 'community', as I knew it to mean. I also began a job where I was charged with engaging family and other supportive adults to connect with kids in the foster care system. the importance of group, of connections. In Psalm 68, it says that "God sets the lonely in families..." I believe that with all my heart. And not only do I believe that for the foster children I work with, but I believe that for myself. I had always thought that community were people that are pretty similar as you, in thought and interests, etc. I suppose this is true in a sense. However, I was always caught off guard when I turned around one day and realized that the people were around me, who were incredibly different from me, were my family, my true community. In fact, realizing that I had the people around me who I know were in it for the long haul. In Family Finding work we call this the "lifetime network". Unconditional supports. The people available at 2am. The people exposed to the worst part of yourself and yet respond with overwhelming grace and mercy. How could I have overlooked these people in some moments of my life, I am not sure, but I have them now. In fact, these are the people who have freed me to go back and reconcile with prevoius people in my life and that has been unbelievably healing. I have realized that in many ways, being in a group, leading a group, has been God's saving grace for me.

My commitment to these people, my weekly meeting with them, and my witnessing of our changes as individuals as a group has had an everlasting effect on my life. These things have kept me out of trouble, got me out of trouble, brought me into honest reflection into who I am as a woman, what my strengths and obvious weaknesses are, pushed me closer to Jesus, and allowed me to learn to love with a certain vulnerability that only can come with a safe group of people. Watching our lifegroup struggle back in forth from 3 to 5 people up to a steady group of 9-10 people was proof of this beautiful thing I call community. As one of my best friends put it, my lifegroup is a true reflection of the power of groups, the power of community, and the power of God's work in relationships and family. What can I say? I'm a believer. It's possible. It's possible that broken people can recover, can be a part of other's healing processes, and that people living life with others have the possibility of leading far more enriching lives than those without others. We weren't meant to be alone, that is not a new concept, I just didn't realize how much of an impact this would have on  my life, with the most unexpected people.

lifegroup reflections - part 1: memories

It has been about a month since I officially started my new job in North Carolina. I have a lot to reflect on and I want to start with my beautiful Lifegroup. What is a Lifegroup, anyways, you may ask? It is all about semantics, I suppose, and this is not the important part. Lifegroup could also be called community, home church, cell group, or, recently, I have even heard gel group. This is the important thing - it is all about living life together. The people in my lifegroup, they are my friends, and more than that - as we call it in family finding - they are on my family team, my lifetime network of support and connection. So, I would like to tell you the story of my lifegroup and how I am forever changed by living life with them. My reflection has to come in two parts, because you know by now, I am quite long-winded, as some of you would call it, I would just say that I am detail-oriented.

Winter 2009. I was just starting to get more involved at my church by leading a small group bible study and this is when lifegroup kicked off. Our first outing? Ice skating in Brandon. Just a few of us at this time - 2 guys and 3 girls. We met at my apartment and endured my former roommates evil cat. We studied the book of Luke and followed the story of Jesus. It was simple. There were no fireworks or crazy spirit-filled fall outs, but it was us. We went canoeing one time and finally Shawn asked Annie out on a date (we suspected they would date eventually). We BBQ'd with a tennis racket at Carol's new place, and learned together how to use charcoal. We made pizzas in my super small kitchen. Annie put extra pineapples on hers. We celebrated Carol getting baptized and laughed at her Angel Network cable channels. We celebrated Shawn coming home from internship with a bat-shaped chocolate cake and racoon pinata. We made more pizzas. We had several people that came in and out of lifegroup but always had a core group. We watched Veggie Tales to put a spin on bible stories. We did arts and crafts. We prayed for each other. We were sad when Mark left for Israel and wondered what guys would come along to be with Shawn. We walked with the Israelites through their delivery in Exodus and their struggles in the desert.

Spring 2010. Phil and I became co-leaders, for about 3 seconds. We celebrated him moving to Indonesia to help do some cool stuff there, always with a homemade cake, of course. Everyone helped me move into my new place. We met lots of new people during this time - Bryan, Kylie, Ricky, Becky, Rob, Katie, and Nolan. We celebrated each other's birthdays, hung out on the weekends, had cookouts, took pictures underwater and even became facebook friends. We went to Carol's play together and enjoyed a Rays game - Katie drove a minivan full of us! Some of girls took a trip to NYC and wore neon shirts so we could get on the Today Show. Shawn, Nolan, Bryan and Ricky all became roommates and rented a house together, so we re-located our weekly meeting there. We met some more people - Amber, Joe, Meredith, another Rob, and Mac. We took lots of pictures. Correction: I took a lot of pictures. We had theological debates and disagreed. We prayed and cried.

Sometime in 2011. Although we met weekly for bible study, the men starting meeting an additional day on their own. Katie and Justin start dating. We mourned the loss of Bryan's father alongside him. I experienced my first real break-up and I am pretty sure I couldn't have made it without losing it completely, without my lifegroup. We went jumping at AirHeads and lasted about 5 minutes - except Shawn of course. Katie and I missed our callings as cheerleaders, obviously. We had more cookouts - way more advanced and with real BBQ utensils and became experts on charcoal. We met Marie. After one of our cookouts, we decided to go see a movie together, and afterward we drove all the way to Cocoa Beach, slept on the beach - all the watch the sunrise. Shawn put together a crazy awesome scavenger hunt to propose to Annie and we were all there to witness that. We said goodbye to Shawn and Annie as they moved to Raleigh to start new jobs. We met Jessica. I introduced the Wobble to everyone at Carol's baby shower. Carol did the wobble the best, even 8 months pregnant. We started women's group, to copy the men, of course. And then this beautiful thing happened - Carol gave birth to Samantha and we all became aunts and uncles and you couldn't have told us we weren't related. We stayed in the hospital with the new mom and baby and made sure the nurses were nice. We threw Becky a bachelorette party - even though she forgot about it the day of. We met Hemi and Justin. Kylie moved into my apartment complex and Carol, then Becky lived with her. It was so nice to have them close by. Not like I ever needed to borrow an egg or a cup of sugar. We facebook stalked and questioned new potential boyfriends or girlfriends and made sure one another stayed out of trouble. We deterred stalkers from bothering one another. Katie, Kylie, and I all graduated in December!

2012 so far...Kylie moved across the bridge, which was relatively traumatic and we moved Lifegroup back to my place. We celebrated Rob and Becky's wedding - after they got married while being overseas.James and Carol got married and so Carol moved to TN. Justin and Katie got engaged. Ricky and Kylie got engaged - finally!! - we were invited to celebrate with them on this day. We, of course, knew that this was going to happen, but boy was Kylie getting tired of waiting!! I was in Shawn and Annie's wedding in March, and that was such an honor to be able to witness their life together and celebrate their new journey in marriage. We all danced together at the wedding - wobble, cupid shuffle, electric slide, etc. Mac took some rocking pictures of their wedding. Carol, James, and Samantha came down to Florida for this and she had grown up so much by then. Kylie and Ricky decided to get married June 4, so there was lots of wedding planning, bridal shower party, and a bachelorette and bachelor party weekends we participated in. We kind of all came as a group - after all, it's not just a bible study, we are friends. The girls made "Team Eric" shirts for me - that is an entirely other story for another blog post. We got schooled on how to say "Louisville" from a really KY native. We met Nikeya. Mac miraculously came out free and clear from a bad car accident. We helped Meredith, Kylie, and Bryan move - all in the same weekend, with the same U-Haul. My apartment became wedding central - full of centerpieces and decorations that needed gluing and cutting and candy that needed to be separated by color. Kylie and Ricky got married, Bryan, Nolan, and I stood next to them on the stage but the rest of us were front and center witnessing this great moment. We led the room in the dances again - they clearly were not ready for the wobble. We kept the wedding planner away from Kylie - because that would have had devastating results. We snuck into Kylie and Ricky's apartment while they were on their honeymoon and painted their wall, and they loved it! I knew I was about to take a job out of state, so I scheduled some group pictures of all of us, after all - I have always taken loads of pictures, even professional, of special groups of people in my life. And these were perhaps the most special group of people in my life.

My Lifegroup. My peeps. We have been through pretty much everything together at one time or another. Break-ups. Divorce. Dating. Falling in love. Depression. Bad relationships. Stalkers. Fights. Disagreements. Betrayal and forgiveness, reconciliation. Partying v. sobriety. Family drama. Moving. Losing jobs. Getting jobs. Cooking for each other. Tears. Prayers. Laughter. Lots of laughter. Birth. Walking with Jesus. Weddings. Engagements. Moving away. New friends. Death of a parent. Sharing. Loving. Dancing. Struggling with tough stuff. Supporting. Being honest. Went on adventures. Vented to each other. Stayed up late talking about God and the world around us. Birthday cakes. Meeting each other's family. Facebook stalked and kept each other accountable. Celebrated new things in each other's lives. We are diverse and different. We think different. We like different music and movies, some of us like to be outside, the others prefer indoor activities. We have different political stances and opinions. But, these are the best things about us. And this is what I love the most about us. We don't fit in any box. We don't even go to the same church. We are from all over and have yet, for this time, found each other, and what I believe, will always be connected to one another, and wouldn't have it any other way.

To be continued....

a wedding and a funeral

So in the past 48 hours, I have attended both a wedding and a funeral. I suppose this does not happen for most people very often and I have observed several things I would like to share. Although the phrase “a wedding and a funeral” are used together quite often, I didn’t realize how many similarities there really are between the two…

Weddings and funerals, for the most part, take place in churches. They both are events where people come together – people who may not know each other, people who may have not seen others in quite some time, and a combination of family and friends. Weddings and funerals are supposed to both be celebrations of life – one being 2 lives joined as one, and the latter being a celebration of a life well lived. At both events, you will see flowers, hear songs, and say prayers or blessings. At both weddings and funerals, you can see people crying. At both events, and obviously this is only intensified based on your relationship with the person the event is about, but there is something about death that shakes you to the core no matter what your relationship was with the loved one who passed away – makes you think about what matters, what doesn’t – what you would want said about you at your own funeral. Isn’t the same true at weddings? You think about what you would want your wedding to be like, what things you want to represent with your significant other in front of friends and family. And finally – in most cases, at both events, there is a reception where people can talk and eat together after a formal ceremony or service.

Why is that? Why do we celebrate these things so similarly, when obviously our feelings about them are so different? Sure – there are differences – such as the color white is what the bride wears to her wedding, while everyone at a funeral is supposed to wear black. Weddings are planned. Funerals are unplanned. The parents of the bride and groom are congratulated; the parents of the deceased are consoled and mourned with. The proclamation of joy and happiness is so evident in a wedding, while at a funeral – people are grasping at hope and a promise of joy for a loved one gone on “to a better place”.

Perhaps we don’t know what else to do when someone dies. We just know we need people around us to mourn with us. Perhaps we weren’t created to mourn alone. After all – back in the day, you would even hire mourners on behalf of your passed loved one. We know that we need Jesus. We need Him so much more than we realize, even if we don’t say Him by name – He is the only reason to hope – and where do people search for hope? In a church. We give ourselves an opportunity to love on people we have not seen in a while, perhaps that we are even estranged from. We gain perspective about what is important in life and somehow, this is more simply seen in the light of big events in our lives – weddings and funerals. And finally, perhaps the reception is the time, where at both events, people are just themselves – at a funeral, they can smile and maybe even laugh a bit and that’s ok – at a wedding, they can dance the twist and be silly with those they love. Whether we realize it or not, we soak up every moment at both weddings and funerals. Perhaps we are afraid we will forget the person who has passed away or we are afraid to forget all the good times we are currently having.

While, you may think I am perhaps an unlucky person to have to go to a funeral the day after I went to a wedding, I disagree with you. And this is why…I got to celebrate two of my most unlikely friendships that I am forever changed by. Some others may think it is a bit morbid to talk about someone’s wedding at the same time as someone who has passed on – but just remember – both are celebrations of life and so that is what I hope to do with my two friends.

My friend Heather, who died on 5/24/12, was an unlikely friend. We had little in common and we would have never been paired naturally together. However, little did I realize how connected our hearts really were. We both participated in the Tampa Urban Project in the summer of 2003 but the time when I really remembered connecting with you is the summer of 2005 when we went to Mexico City and all over Guatemala together. Esta bien! J Ah – just reading over what you wrote to me at the end of our trip makes me miss you so much Heather. How I struggled so much during that trip, perhaps more than you ever knew, and how you were there for me, even when you didn’t understand. I remember crying with you over the poverty and injustice we encountered in Guatemala and Mexico and wrestling with you over what we should do with all that when we went home. I remember the way you embraced any culture and people group we encountered and loved with abandon. You encouraged me as we struggled through speaking Spanish to the people. I remember the way you served – I am pretty sure you worked harder than anyone else on that trip. I wish I would have had another opportunity to just reminisce with you about our weeks abroad – only you know how it felt to leave our friends in Guatemala – literally feeling my heart break, and yet oh so joyful that we got the experience the beauty of the country of Guatemala and come back with the most generous friends on the face of this earth. I am pretty sure I have you quoted in my bible still of saying “beauty and poverty co-exist”. After the trip, we became roommates, along with multiple other people of course. I particularly remember that I’m pretty sure Heather could not get off her bed without doing a back flip or some other gymnastic trick. While I am fully aware that this was one of the most broken years of my life to date, I remember you Heather – I remember your hugs and what your voice sounds like – always so gracious and loving – never holding back. I remember getting the chance to be there for you as well during what you call “your moments” – and I loved seeing the Lord work in your life. Little did I realize, later, even when we were not living in the same house or even around the same people anymore, how we were still connected with our struggles. Struggles of not fitting into anyone’s boxes – and we struggled because we wanted to fit. And there were a lot of people around us that seemed to fit, remember? So, the Lord took us away for a while, for Him to teach us in a different way. You went to California and experienced God in new ways out in the wilderness, just as you were created to do. I am really happy you got to do that. Heather – you will not be forgotten and I hope to see you again one day soon my friend.

My friend Kylie, who got married yesterday, was an unlikely friend. I shared at her reception yesterday that I was not a fan of Kylie at first. She kept to herself and seemed very standoffish. On top of that – she liked country J. She started coming to the Lifegroup I lead about 2 years ago with her boyfriend of 1 year, at the time. They were just starting to follow God at this time. Her boyfriend Ricky talked a lot, asked a lot of questions and seemed to be really engaged in learning about the bible. I was never sure where Kylie was at with all of this but she was not very approachable either. She seemed really busy with school, work, Ricky, and a big family she is a part of. I wish I could tell you when I started to feel differently about Kylie but I am not sure I know exactly. About a year and a half ago, Kylie moved into the apartment on the 3^rd floor of my building. She stayed busy but talked a bit more in Lifegroup. I saw that she was much more independent of Ricky, in a good way, than I ever gave her credit for. Kylie is definitely someone who knows who she is and makes time for the people in her life. I remember how she supported me during my first real break-up. Eventually, we became closer and closer – it was so nice having a friend in the same apartment complex. She had Lifegroup in her apartment and I began to see how hospitable and serving she really is. I can really say that about 9 months ago, when things around and in my life became really chaotic, Kylie was one of the main people who made it out with me in the end – through a series of crises with one of our other friends, through one bad decision after another, a few good cries, and through a whole lot of laughter and joy – I was able to stand next to her yesterday and proclaim that I will support her union to Ricky, whom I love dearly as well. When she moved out of my apartment complex a few months ago, I realized that I would miss her being around, something I hadn’t anticipated before. Kylie is one of those people that I am confident would not only find me if I went missing, and would deal with whomever hurt me, but also the one that would get on a plane on a random day, at a random time – not just if I needed her, but even if I refused to say I needed her but she knew that I did, just to simply make sure I was ok. And Kylie – even though we disagree about the best kind of music and about the battle between the beignet vs. the pizookie, I am so very thankful for you, my dear friend, and the friendship that we have. Thank you for all the joy you bring to my life and those around you. I love you mucho! Let me know when you and Ricky would like to have Max and I over for dinner. J

“there is a time for everything, and a season for every activity under heaven: a time to be born and a time to die, a time to plant and a time to uproot, a time to kill and a time to heal, a time to tear down and a time to build, a time to weep and a time to laugh, a time to mourn and a time to dance, a time to scatter stones and a time to gather them, a time to embrace and a time to refrain..” Ecclesiastes 3:1-5.

Green House Girls - Heather is in the middle with her face being attacked by Estelle :) 

Kylie and I - 6/4/12

no nonsense ninny

                                                         My sister's wedding - Oct 2009

I will be a bridesmaid in my 5^th wedding on June 4^th in my lovely friend Kylie’s wedding. I have also had the honor of assisting with several other weddings of my close friends. Upon reflecting what it has been like to be a bridesmaid, a two-time maid of honor, and just a helper, I have some advice. Some advice for the brides themselves, and some for the young women who have the honor of standing alongside their friend or family member on their wedding day, as part of the bridal party.  In fact, perhaps I will even throw in some advice for those people who are just participating at some level in wedding planning. For the most part, my advice will be geared towards women as it is more common to be a female activity to 1. Plan a wedding and 2. Create drama. In addition, I will also talk about stress that family members cause and can avoid causing when another person in their family is in the process of getting married. I know what you’re thinking…this woman is 29, single, what could she know about weddings? You’d be surprised. I am by no means an expert, but I do have some things to say…So here it goes. Try not to be offended and I will try not to be too harsh, as some of these things are sensitive matters. I hope you will find this “surprisingly upbeat”! J

For the bride-to-be:

1.     Remember that this is yours and your fiancé’s wedding. Not anyone else. It is all about how the Lord has brought you two together, and not about other people. Do not be afraid to say and be clear about what you want, and what you don’t want.

2.     First and foremost, remember #1.

3.     You cannot please everyone. This is God’s honest truth, promise. No matter how hard you try or how amazing you are, this is not possible.

4.     This is a good time to learn to say no. “Can I bring a date and 3 kids to the wedding?” No. “Can I bring random people along when we go and pick out your wedding gown?” No. “Can you change the date of your wedding? I have something I have to go to that day.” No. etc. etc. You don’t have to be a bridezilla to say no, just be genuine and honest, and always wearing a smile. Remember – people are silly and unreasonable without realizing it.

5.     You and your fiancé are footing the bill so pay for things you want, not things that are expected for you to have.

6.     Be simple. It’s possible. And Jesus loves that.

7.     Just because you love your family and friends, doesn’t mean that you have to do everything they share with you to do J. Thank them for their thoughts and move on. This includes those people in the wedding party.

8.     Enjoy this time of being engaged and planning. The moment things start to get out of control, take a step back and do something different.

9.     Don’t go in debt. It’s not worth it and it’s better to start a marriage without all that.

10.  If all else fails, refer to #1.

                                              my best friend Laura's wedding, December 2003

For the bridal party individuals:

1.     This wedding is not yours. This is not your marriage you are celebrating and preparing for. This is not about you. You are second. Check yourself and what you have to say based on this truth. This is how you can be a good friend, this is how you can love your friends that are planning their wedding.

2.     Always remember #1. Write it on your mirror, put it on post-its. Whatever, it takes.

3.     Be a servant. Help where you can, even if it’s not glamorous or even if people don’t see you or give you credit. (*refer to #1)

4.     Wear whatever dress your bride friend picks out, with a smile on your face. In other words, be flexible. Refer to #1 should you be confused about how to make this happen.

5.     Reflect on why you love your friend, the bride, and why it is such an honor to be a part of her wedding and her life. When things get stressful, or when there is some bridezilla’isms, have some grace and remember these things.  (*refer to #1 with additional questions)

6.     Enjoy this time in your friend’s life, but also in you and the bride’s friendship. Don’t let little or petty things come in between you two.  (*remember #1)

7.     Reflect on the role you have as a bridesmaid/maid of honor – to uphold the commitment that your friend is making to her fiancé. That’s a big responsibility. Remember this when you are feeling not the center of attention or feeling left out. Refer to #1 with any additional questions.

8.     Be tasteful when planning the bachelorette party. Know the bride and listen to her when she talks about her comfort level with some of these things. This is not the time to impress upon someone the way you would want things for yourself or how scandalous you can be. J (*remember #1)

9.     Because of #1, try not to make wedding dress shopping with your bride friend a time when you can peruse for your own dress (even if you are engaged or pending engagement yourself) – this is normally frowned upon.

10.  Stay focused on #1, it will ensure that you will 1. Keep being friends with your bride friend after the wedding and 2. Learn how to focus on someone else in their time of need. And I will be the first one to say we can also use a lesson in humility, right? 

my dear friend Briana's wedding, August 2004

For family members and other friends:

1.     This wedding is also not yours. Even if you are financially invested in the event, this does not mean you should dictate details of how things should be done. This causes unnecessary stress on the bride and groom.

2.     Remind yourself of #1 regularly.

3.     Be flexible. Dates change. Schedules are difficult to coordinate and so this is bound to happen. Be a part of what you can, and don’t be bitter about what you can’t do.

4.     Give a little extra grace when things are stressful and chaotic and try your best to be understanding even when you do not fully understand.

5.     Volunteer to help where you can. Share your thoughts when asked. This can help you feel a part of the wedding festivities and also help you to remember #1.

6.     Try to stay away from gossip and talk about the bride and/or groom and what is going right or wrong in the wedding planning. This stuff does get back to the right ears and can be extremely hurtful. Remember #1.

7.     Be creative and find different ways of being supportive or loving to your friend/family member the bride and/or groom. (i.e. – mow a lawn, help someone move in, help someone move out, write a letter, bring them dinner when they have to sit up and work on invitations, offer to pick someone up from the airport, offer to let someone stay with you rather than getting a hotel, etc)

8.     Enjoy this time celebrating with your friends/family! Pray for the soon-to-be bride and groom as they take on the new adventure of marriage.

9.     Dance on the dance floor when the appropriate time comes. It doesn’t matter if the only thing you can do is 2-step. Have fun and enjoy the celebration! (**this may include doing the electric slide, cupid shuffle, and cha-cha slide all in a row)

10.  If all else fails, refer to #1

Annie's incredible wedding, March 2012

That's all I got for now...! Ever had some crazy wedding stuff happen with your friends and family? not with the bride, but with the people around her? comment away, I want to hear about it! 

hope for new things

so...I finally decided to embark on the world of blogging. it occurred to me that sometimes I have some pretty legit things to say, and that it may benefit someone out there, or it may be just be amusing to those people who love me. I'm ok with either. and hey - maybe this will improve my writing skills just a bit. :)

I'm in a weird place in my life. almost 30, can you believe it? can I believe it? It's true what they say, ya know? I can recall a day when I thought 30 was worlds away, full of kids and a husband and most likely a house. oh - how things have changed.

what do I love about where I am in life? possibilities seem endless. sometimes overwhelming, but endless nonetheless. I'm excited about these possibilities. I love how I finally know what I am supposed to do or what I truly want to do with my life, and that is truly a gift, isn't it? it is like God himself unveiled this grand secret - who is Trina? what do you want Trina to do with her life? speak. talk. yell. make truth known. expose darkness. get louder. talk to who will listen. don't waste time on those who will not. be the voice for the voiceless. don't stop. persevere. love. love with abandon. don't be so afraid of being alone. stand strong. keep standing. speak. let Jesus and His kingdom be my strength and everything I hope for.

I do hope for new things. new things that even scare me. why? because I was created for big things. I was created to speak louder than I am now. so here goes nothing. with fingers crossed, eyes closed and on my knees.